I feel like I'm carrying some burdens around with me right now. Not my own burdens, but those of the orphans, foster kids, and girls whose banner I am trying desperately to hold up. The weight of these burdens - poverty, fear, loneliness, hopelessness, hunger, anger, hurt, abandonment - can press down a crushing force on me at times. When I meditate on these things, pray for them, my heart can feel their pain. It can put me in quite the funk,for hours, sometimes days. It's been hard as we embark on launching this ministry at our church to really talk about it, blog about it. It's sometimes hard to sum up in cute sentences or pithy comments, witty sentiments our plans, or even the statistics, or more importantly the stories behind the statistics.
On a more personal note, I was so obliviously and blissfully naive and unaware of the conditions at our own children's orphanage. I think I was lulled into a false sense of security because the nuns there are so loving, and reports of parents going are always so positive. But after reading an account of the orphanage from a complete outsider, it's like seeing it with fresh eyes. I am now hurting also for my own kids, for all the children there. Thankfully so many of them will soon be with their forever families, even some right here in Austin. Surely it will be a comfort to them to see some familiar faces here! (here are the accounts I read: Land of A Thousand Hills 1, Lands of a Thousand Hills 2) I can't wait to take a suitcase full of toys and clothes when we go!!
We are supposed to lift our burdens up to the Lord; but what if it is God that gives you the burden? Have you ever been in this place? Talk to me!
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I have so been in that place! Both times I came back from my mission trips in Africa (Kenya). I felt that way. I felt so much inside that words couldn't explain it and at times I felt alone in my pain. I remember one day my son being sick, when he was still a baby. I remember being home in the afternoon holding him on the couch and just sobbing as he slept in my arms. I was sobbing for all the moms I saw lined up at the only nearby clinic waiting, hoping to get medical care for their dying babies. My heart broke for the street kids I bathed who numbed their pain by sniffing glue. It's a pain that will stay and perpetuate you forward. At times, I have had to purposefully block it from my mind. And now that we are in the process for adopting a child from Rwanda, I feel the emotions from those realities I have witnessed and knowledge and fear of being exposed to yet more pain and suffering. But God gives me hope. I am privledged to be his hands and feet. I keep reminding myself of the starfish story... the boy who is on the beach with countless starfish washed up on the shore dying. He is picking them up one by one and throwing them back into the see. An old man walks by and says 'You're wasting your time, you can save all these starfish, there's is too many.' The boy picks up another starfish and throws it into the ocean. He looks up at the man and smiles and says,'I saved that one.' As you move forward, in every step you can say with confidence in Christ and joy in your heart 'I saved that one.' Celebrate each step, praising God and keep moving forward! God is using you in amazing ways- you are awesome!
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